She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
