this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
