I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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