today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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