I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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