R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
