you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
