Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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