oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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