He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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