I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize