Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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