did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Randomize
