He kissed a someone with a penis
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
