Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
