We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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