If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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