Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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