why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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