How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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