She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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