Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
