our cab driver is having phone sex.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
