Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
