I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
