I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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