When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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