I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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