Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
