That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Everyone says I win the strip club
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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