You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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