maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
