I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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