Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
