I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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