The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
