just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
