i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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