Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
