I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize