U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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