Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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