Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
