i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Are my feet made of real feet?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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