She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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