this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
