So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize