I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
