In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
