Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
