I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
