bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
