That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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