Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
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