this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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