I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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