On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
