I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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