uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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