oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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