The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
